Seriously, Mother Nature?

If you have sent me an email in the last three or four days, I have not received it. There appears to be a problem with both my internet service provider and the server that hosts my email account.  Paige’s email is working fine [Paige AT fiberfarm DOT com]; please resend any questions Paige. So sorry for the inconvenience.

So, this morning, my Aunt Annie came over from Richmond to help around the farm and keep me company for a bit. Paige went to California on Sunday for what was supposed to be a three day trip, but the crazy weather in D.C. kept her from getting home. (She had to re-book her flight for Sunday night.)

Annie helped me clean out the fridge and freezer in the house and the big deep freezer in the garage. Since we were without power from Friday till Tuesday, absolutely everything had to to go. And in my house, everything is a lot. Like 6 pounds of butter and four pounds of bacon a lot.

Before we took everything out though, I called the garbage pick-up company to make sure they were coming. I really didn’t want to put 30 pounds of spoiled meat out by the curb if they weren’t coming, but the woman who answered the phone insisted that I must put the garbage out today, even if garbage collection was running a day and a half behind due to the weather, because they might catch up today.

I was typically skeptical and I repeated that I was going to be throwing the entire contents of my refrigerator and freezer out and I could easily just throw everything back in the deep freezer till next week if necessary or even take it to the land fill. But the woman insisted that it would be fine. “Just put it out. We know what we’re doing,” she said.

And put it out I did.

It was about an hour later when Annie looked out the window and said, “That’s the biggest bird I’ve ever seen! Oh my God! There are dozens of them!”

In fact, it was more than dozens. More like hundreds.

Hundreds of vultures.

That’s right. Vultures.

Hundreds of vultures in my front yard.

Eating my garbage.

For those of you city folks that have never seen a vulture up close and personal, I’d like to point out that these birds are about four times the size of Gulliver, my chihuahua.

And, no, the garbage truck did not pick up my trash today.

But you and I both knew that wasn’t going to happen, didn’t we?

1. I test-dyed seven sample lots for the Fall 09 shares. I think I’ve narrowed it down to the winning four colors and I love them. Hope you will too.
2. The chickens layed five eggs.
3. In spite of the fact that there was no weather of any kind today, we got zero deliveries from USPS, FedEx or UPS.
4. I fixed the woodstove.
5. My fever came back.
6. I wrote this lame excuse for a blog post.

More better stuff tomorrow. I promise. In the meantime, do me a big favor? Help Falls River, MA get a children’s museum? Pretty please? It’s easy and fast.http://www.refresheverything.com/CMGFR Voting ends on February 28th. Extra points given to anyone who helps spread the word.

1. WE HAVE POWER! Who knew how amazing running water, electricity, WiFi and heat could be? You know what I’m most excited about? Vacuuming. And doing laundry. And taking a hot shower. And not sleeping in the cold. Okay, I’m excited about lots of stuff.

2. THANK YOU! Thank all of you for all the cards and letters and little gifts  you’ve been sending. I am humbled by all the support and it means the whole world to me. I read them all and save them for the inevitable sucky days when I need a little pick-me-up. Y’all are awesome and you make me feel like I can do anything.

3. Due to the crazy weather, I am a scooch behind one dyeing the sample colors for the Fall 09 Shareholder yarn. As long as the power stays on, I should have the photos posted by Saturday.

4. Newsweek’s International edition has a round-up of luxury farm stays this week and guess who’s in it?

[If anybody living outside the U.S. sees a copy on the newsstand, could you grab one for me? I'll reimburse you for the postage.] We are swamped with requests for info, so if you have a specific week or weekend you’d like to reserve, let me know right away so we can get you on the calendar. susie AT fiberfarm DOT com.

-Lucy continues to improve and her breathing is getting stronger, less labored each day. She’s still on heavy meds and will be seeing the vet again on Tuesday. I’ll be home by then to take her myself and I have lots of questions for the Doc.

- Paige and I are are working on personal thank you notes for everyone who contributed to Lucy’s vet bills. I would have them done by now but for my guests! Please know that the delay in getting them out doesn’t accurately reflect our gratitude.

-The Fort Worth Meet-Up yesterday was a lot fun- lots of pics coming in the next post. Thanks to everyone who came! We’ll definitely be doing this again next year- I’ll post the dates way in advance so more of you can make it.

The other day, when I found out about Lucy’s accident, I was actually fixin’ to head out the door to drive to Dallas and meet my friend Becky for dinner. I seriously considered calling to cancel, but I didn’t for a couple of reasons. I couldn’t get my head around how to cancel and going just seemed easier. But mostly, Becky is my oldest and dearest friend and I knew that seeing her would make me feel better.

Becky and her husband Ralph, who is just the kindest, most darling man who ever walked the earth.

I don’t have the space or time or words to adequately describe my friend Becky here. She is brilliant (she’s a lawyer and clerked for Supreme Court Chief Justice William Burger after law school) but she’s also very wise. She’s one of those beautiful women who gets even more beautiful as she ages. She is passionate about everything and funny and fun. And she is the most empathetic, compassionate person I’ve ever know.

Oh, and when she talks she has the ENTIRE state of Louisiana in her voice.

I’ve known Becky for nearly 20 years and she has always- ALWAYS- been there for me. She was exactly the person I wanted to see when I didn’t know if my dog was going to live or die and I felt like the whole world was falling down around my ears.

We met for sushi and I poured my heart out to her, holding back tears. I told her about Lucy and about my financial crisis and that I didn’t know how I could possibly carry on. Becky listened to me (she’s great at that) and then she ask me why I hadn’t written about any of this on the blog.

“Because,” I sobbed, “my readers think I’m courageous and brave. They have no idea that I make mistakes, doubt my own judgement and beat myself up all the time. They don’t know that I sometimes think about giving up or wish someone would come along and rescue me from all this. They think I’m great.”

And then Becky did something that would have ENRAGED me coming from anyone else in the world. She laughed. Loudly. At me. And at the ridiculous things I was saying.

She then very gently pointed out to me that none of my readers could possibly believe that I am perfect and that that’s not why they read my blog in the first place. And she encouraged me to go home and write about Lucy and all the pressures we’ve been under and how I was really feeling. “People will help you if you let them, ” she said. “And they won’t stop loving you just because you’re human.”

And she was right. The outpouring of love and support we received from all of you after I wrote about the troubles I been going through has been just amazing. I got emails that I will treasure for the rest of my life. I also received enough donations to get Lucy the care she needed.

The other thing Becky did was tell me that it’s time to stop feeling sorry for myself and work my way out of this situation. And that was exactly what I needed to hear. My dear friends Charlie and Kris said something similar last weekend. And you know what? They were right. Sometimes you need the people who love you to kick your ass, you know?

Some how, the very worst thing that could happen has turned into the very best thing. I am reinvigorated and ready to do whatever it takes to keep my flock happy and healthy and to get things back on track.

And to you, my dear, loyal, supportive readers, I make this promise. You will no longer get a sanitized, dolled-up, fairy tale version of farm life when you come here. I am going to try hard to show you all the sides of this life I am building. And I hope you will enjoy it even more knowing that I’m keeping it real.

When I’m asked to give talks to farmers about blogging and social networking as a form of marketing I always tell the attendees not to focus on the negative. “People don’t want to read about the bad stuff,” I tell them. Be positive. Talk about the good stuff. People want to read about your successes, not your failures.

And as a rule, I’ve always tried to follow that advice on this blog. But tonight I find myself longing to write the unvarnished truth. To show you all the other side of farming.

Like everyone else, my business has been damaged by the bad economy. People aren’t spending money the way they did two years ago or even in the first quarter of last year. It’s not surprising at all; yarn is a luxury product and luxuries are the first thing that goes in an economic downturn.

The farm was hit hard but not as hard as some people and I have been grateful to be able to carry on, grateful to be able to farm full-time and still make ends meet. But not an hour has gone by since I started this business that I didn’t worry about money. Probably not even a minute.

My farm was under-capitalized from the start, as most farms are, and even in the best of times I was carrying a large debt load, as most farms are. But several things happened in the last six months that made things even more precarious than usual. First, extricating myself from an unhealthy and unsustainable situation and the move that followed wiped out my savings. The move was absolutely necessary and I have never second-guessed the decision, but it was a big blow to my balance sheet.

Once we moved it took longer to get the shop back up and running than we anticipated. There were several mistakes made during the shipping of the Spring shares that cost me a small fortune. They were honest mistakes and I wasn’t angry with anyone, but it really hurt. The holidays weren’t as good as we expected but probably could have been worse. January is always a terrible for sales and this year was no exception.

I was living very close to the edge but there didn’t seem to be any alternative. Perseverance has always been my strong suit and I knew that if I could just hold on, just work harder and juggle my bills and watch every single penny, we’d be okay until things picked up. Unless something terrible happened.

For some reason, in my worst moments, I thought the something terrible would come in the form of my getting sick. I haven’t had health insurance since we moved and I just can’t afford it right now. So I worry that I’ll be diagnosed with some terrible illness that will wipe me out completely. In the past few weeks I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, my heart beating loud and hard, after dreaming my appendix burst or I found a lump in my breast.

So when the something terrible finally did happen today, it didn’t come as a huge surprise. I was checking my bank balance- as I do hourly these days- and saw a huge debit from the vet’s office where I took Lucy last week. My first thought was that they had made a billing mistake, charging me more than 5 times what I should have paid for an office visit plus a round of vaccinations. But it made me nervous enough to call the farm to make sure everything was okay.

When no one answered I called the vet’s office to ask about the charge. “Are you calling about Lucy?” the receptionist asked, “She was hit by a car.” The next few minutes were torture while I waited for a vet to come to the phone. Finally the receptionist came back on the line to tell me that the vet was unable to talk to me but that Paige and Erin had brought Lucy in. She was alive and needed specialized treatment, so they had stabilized her and sent the girls and Lucy to another animal hospital.

I hung up and called Erin’s phone. No answer. Same when I dialed Paige. I texted Erin asking her to call me immediately. The next twenty minutes were interminable. Finally, Erin called from the second vet’s office to tell me that Lucy was doing okay, but the x-rays had shown bruising on her lungs and she was having some difficulty breathing. The vet came on the phone and walked me through Lucy’s condition, said they wanted to keep her on oxygen for the next two to five days and transferred me to the front desk where the receptionist asked me for a credit card number. The vet’s best estimate put the charges between $4200 and $6000. Lucy had already wracked up nearly a thousand dollars in charges in the 20 minutes she’d been there. I couldn’t speak, couldn’t even think when the receptionist said the numbers. Finally I told her I’d have to call her back.

I spent the next few minutes doing the most horrible, hateful math I’ve ever done. Before I even knew she’s been hit, the vet bills incurred at the two offices had already cleaned out my bank account. I just flat out didn’t have the money. I called the vet back and asked her what my options were. And I have to say, she was just awful about it. “Can’t you put it on a credit car?” she asked. No, my credit cards are maxed out. In the end, she said that the next 24 hours will be critical. Erin and Paige were to watch Lucy and bring her back to the vet tomorrow for another check.

Lucy is home now. She doesn’t seem to be in much pain but her breathing is labored and we don’t know if she’s going to make it. The next couple of days will be very telling.

As far as my financial situation is concerned, the next few weeks will be very telling. All my cash reserves are gone. Unlike many farmers, I don’t have a spouse’s income or benefits to fall back on. I’m almost surely going to have to go back to work full-time until things turn around. It stinks, especially since I haven’t taken a salary in months, but I’m out of options.

Most days my blog is full of funny stories and pretty pictures of animals. I get a dozens of emails a week from readers who know all our animals by name and who tell me I’m living their dream. And, you know what? I’m living my dream, too. But this is the other side of farming. The scary, ugly reality that most farmers live with. Farmers live in a world were a bad crop, bad storm, bad break can mean financial ruin.

No one is entitled to the life they want. I know that. But I’ve been lucky enough to spend the last two years in my dream job. Building my flock, watching lambs come into the world, living and working with my dogs. All of those moments were precious gifts. And even if I lose it all tomorrow, I wouldn’t change one moment of it.

If you are the praying kind, please pray for our Sweet Lucy. I’ll keep you apprised of her condition.

LATEST NEWS ON LUCY’C CONDITION: Lucy made it through the night but her breathing is still labored. Erin is waiting for the vet’s office to open so she can get her back in to be seen by a vet.

EDITED TO ADD: Thank you to everyone who made a donation to help cover Lucy’s vet bills. You all have been so generous and we can now cover the cost of all the medical care the puppy will need.

1. I develop strong attachments that border on obsessive loyalty to things I use every day. Right now it’s my old barn coat. I’ve had it for six years and it is positively disgusting! Missing all but one button, so faded you can’t tell what color it used to be, riddled with holes and covered with stains. It was way past needing to be replaced, so I ordered a nearly identical one from LL Bean but I just can’t bring myself to wear it. Because it would be sort of disloyal to my original barn coat.

I also have a really hard time throwing out old running shoes. At least I stop wearing those but I honestly can’t bring myself to throw them away for years after I’ve stopped wearing them. It just seems tremendously sad somehow…

2. I can’t not finish a book I’ve started. It makes me feel lazy, even if I really just don’t like the book. Since I usually juggle three or four books at a time it’s not a huge problem. I just put aside the one I don’t like until I’m entirely out of other things to read and then force myself to suck it up and finish it.

3. Speaking of books, I have been this close to buying a Kindle for six months now but I just can’t pull the trigger.

4. The holidays really got me down this year and I’m only just now starting to come out of it. Actually, I think it was the holidays + my sister moving to Denmark + the fact that a couple of the people I’m closest to were going through some difficult things + my usual stress load that got me down. I even considered canceling my trip to Fort Worth for the Stock Show next week which is just plain crazy since the Stock Show is my very favorite thing in the world ever. Luckily I came to my senses.

5. I almost always have peanut butter crackers with me. In my glove box. In my bag. In my pantry. Peanut butter crackers can save a hungry person.

Tell me something I don’t know about you…

I need to get home to Virginia.

I miss Jack.

And Cini. I always feel less anxious around Cini. It’s just impossible to be worried when he’s around because Cini worries enough for everybody.

I miss Sabine too. Sabine is like that friend who always encourages you to order another margarita.

I could also use some quality time with the lambs.

How could anyone not miss Feenat?

Or Dimples, the world’s cutest kid?

I miss them all.

Even Big E.

And I really miss Lucy. She is growing so fast and I hate that I’m missing out on any of her puppy time.

Leaving Texas tomorrow for home. Can hardly wait to get there.