There are days that are bad and then there are days that are so bad I think about giving up.
I had to put Salina down today. Actually, I didn’t have to. I decided to. Because she was having grand mal seizures and she was suffering. Salina has been having occasional seizures and fainting ever since she was attacked by a dog about a year ago. We’re pretty sure that a seizure was what precipitated her broken leg in February, but other than that, they never seemed to affect her quality of life.
I tried to get several vets interested in finding out what was causing the seizures and how to stop them, but the universal response was “Just buy another ewe.” I had other ewes; I wanted this one to be healthy. Frustrating.
In the past few weeks, Erin and I noticed that the episodes were increasing in their intensity and frequency. I think we both knew that we were coming to the end of something, but with all the stuff we’ve been through in the past few months, neither of us wanted to acknowledge it.
This morning I had to acknowledge it. I decided it was time to let her go, then I called the vet’s office and made another handful of decisions. Did I want to bring her into the office and save money on a farm visit? I thought about it and opted to have the vet come to us. She was already clearly suffering, and riding in the back of the truck would have added to her fear and agony. Did I want to bury her myself or have her cremated? Since there was no way in hell I’d be able to dig a hole big enough to bury an adult ewe, I chose to have her cremated.
It really sucks to have to weigh what’s best for your animal against what you can afford, but it’s a reality. The total bill came to $600. It sucks, but while money always seems to come, I only had one chance to do the right by my sheep. I’ll worry about the finances tomorrow.
Salina was one of my first two Cormo ewes, purchased from Alice Field along with Sicily. Both of them were very skittish in the beginning. Even after I helped her deliver Truman-memorialized on video by an esty production crew- she wanted nothing to do with me. It wasn’t until after she was wounded by a dog that we actually had a chance to get to know her. She was in a catch pen for a couple of weeks recovering and, once she realized we were there to help her, she was as sweet as she could be.
Her forced confinement after the broken leg only strengthened the bonds between Salina and Erin, Salina and me. Erin called her the Pocket Sheep because she was always right beside us in the pasture, rubbing her head on our legs as we fed. I hate to lose any animal but this is especially bad. I’m going to miss her something fierce.
This isn’t going to be one of those posts where I wrap things up nicely. It’s just too raw and too painful and too much on top of everything else. And every time this happens, every time I lose an animal in my flock, I feel like I’ve failed. Like I have FAILED. Please don’t tell me it’s not my fault. Intellectually I know that. But my heart is hurting and I can’t shake this nagging feeling that if I’d done something different, that gentle, lovely creature would still be grazing in West Tisbury. It’s irrational but it’s still there.
Lucky for me, the one thing I’d really like to do- get in bed and stay there for a week or so- is the one thing I can’t do.
Tomorrow will be better. It has to be.
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*big hug*
Ohhhhh Susan and Erin – my heart aches for you. No words of wisdom or anything else… just know that I’m thinking of you and love you..
Joan
oh Susie. I am so sorry. I know that you have a big hurt right now. Losing an animal is very difficult. Thinking of you and sending bigs hugs your way!!!
I agree with Maria.
*big hug*
Yet another time I’ve cried about an animal I’ve never met.
Everything will be okay.
So sorry for your loss.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
So sorry….
So awful…
I’m so sorry. I hope your heart hurting eases up. You are a wonderful shepherd.
This is sad, sad news. Deepest sympathies, I’m so sorry for your awful loss. May there be peace in the future for you.
Big hugs to you and Erin. My heart aches after reading your blog so I can only imagine how bad yours feel.
Susie and Erin
This is so horrible, I’m sorry you are hurting but you did the best thing possible, you ended her suffering. may you remember all the good. *hugs*
Just look at those pictures of the truckload of beautiful fleece and thank Salina for all she gave during her life; and especially for little Truman, without whom there would be no surprise lambs this year. Her spirit will live on in her descendants and in many warm wooly garments all over the world.
So sorry that you had to say good bye to such a sweet sheep. She was lucky to be cared for by someone who cared so much about her and tried to make the best decisions possible to help her in her good and bad times. Peace to you.
Oh Sweetheart, I’m so sorry! You’ve not had a great deal of luck lately, have you?
Big hugs for you and I hope it’s some comfort to you that Salina is no longer suffering
So sorry to hear about your loss. I have no doubt she knew you loved her.
My deepest sympathies. Nothing anyone can say can make the pain of losing an animal any less. Just know that we all out here in “blog world” have you in our thoughts.
Susie,
I agree with Sarah. Nothing any of us can say will make anything better. Just remember we are all with you in spirit, hoping and praying for a better tomorrow.
If it didn’t hurt then you wouldn’t have been doing the right thing. Hang in there.
Hugs.
Big hugs.
Listen: You are a good shepherd.
Listen again: You are a good shepherd.
Seriously, listen: You are a good shepherd.
xoxoxo
Hugs again.
Poor Salina, but there’s no question you did the right thing by her. You did NOT fail! You came through for her by making a loving decision, just for her well-being, like you should. Hugs to you both!
I am truly sorry.
You have managed to convey the individualism of each of your animals and they are all incredibly lucky to have such a caring human as their shepherdess. When I think of the enormous number who are considered just a commodity.
Salina will live on in your memory as herself and through her “amorous” scamp of a son Truman, and his progeny. Bless you all.
Susan and Erin…I am so sorry to hear about your loss. From another animal lover who has had to follow this difficult path, my heart goes out to you both. This is the hardest way to love an animal, but probably one of the most important ways to love them…to let them go with dignity and in the company of those who care for them. My deepest and sincerest sympathies to you both…
I am sorry to hear the sad news.
Count me in for the enormous virtual group hug for you and Erin. Salina was lucky to have had you as her person.
Oh darling, big hugs for both of you. I won’t say any of the things you said not to, but know Salina had a wonderful life with you. She obviously loved you, and you made her happy. That’s all any owner can hope for.
So sorry for your loss. I’ve been having similar experiences with my own animals lately, and also beat myself up when something happens to one of them. Guess enjoying them the way we do means we also have to feel their losses deeply when the unthinkable happens. What a stupid system!
so understand! and soooo sorry!
we had, er decided, to put our 14 year old golden retriever down after our ice storm left his arthitis, which had been managable with treament, nearly crippling. after we stood him up he could walk and eventually join us wherever we went in or out of the house. His springer spaniel sister, also 14, and all of us miss him daily.
and he is on the mantle. cant let him go just yet.
you aren’t alone. it stinks.
I am so sorry for your loss of Salina. She was a sweet ewe. Sometimes it really sucks being a farmer and a shepherd!
There’s really nothing to say except bless your heart for doing all you could to make the end as comfortable as possible for her. Rest, heal, and remember Salina lovingly.
My condolences for your loss, I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. May your sorrow lessen over time as you’re ready for it, until you’re able to look back with fondness instead of just pain.
I’m so sorry.
I’m so sorry! Oh, our Salina! I’m so sad! I loved that ewe!
When it gets to the point where the animal is suffering, euthanasia is the final gift we can give to them.
((hugs))
Susan and Erin,
It is such a hard thing to do, to take care of a suffering animal at the very end and make the decision that’s best for your charge. Even when it’s the right thing to do, it hurts like hell.
Take care, you are very good shepherds.
Hugs and prayers for you
Words are never enough when the pain is so deep, know we are thinking of you and Erin and sending our love and a great big hug.
Oh, God, I’m so so sorry Susan. What a horrible ordeal to have to cope with. I understand the pain you must be feeling at losing the beautiful ewe, Salina.
Bless her, always.
I am so sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you.
Beverly
Such sadness. I am so very sorry. In lieu of flowers I would very much like to send a donation to help cover expenses. Please let me know where I may send it.
That really sucks. I hope tomorrow is better for you too.
One of the hardest things we have to do with companion animals is to make that decision. Sometimes I think the pain we spare them, we take on ourselves. I feel your pain, and I wish you peace for your compassionate decision.
so so sorry….thinking of you tonight…..hoping tomorrow may bring some peace your way…
you traveled a dark road today, Susan. I hope you have thick blanket of sleep overcome you, tears dried on your face, knowing there are many people in your world who are witnessing this grief and holding Salina and you and Erin in their hearts.
You can just love them while you have them and remember them when they are gone.
Hugs.
Susan and Erin,
My heartfelt condolences. I’m so sorry.
Yes, tomorrow will be a little better. We’re here for you.
xoxoxo,
Ellen
So so very sorry.
that is so tough. Nothing different you could have done though, you did the most loving thing for her. We tend to forget the bad side of nature until it stands in our face. Take care, (((hugs)))
So very sorry for your loss of such a beautiful animal. May you find peace in your decision and always recall the wonderful days with her.
i’m living up to my nickname…(((((hugs)))))
I’m sorry for yourr loss. I am happy to have met and spent time with Salina this past August. I will always fondly remember feeding her grain from a bucket.
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