I am not the kind of person that enjoys having two houses. I know it’s a luxury but really, having two closets with my clothes hanging in them 226 miles apart and in different states gives me all kinds of anxiety. I am forever looking for something- a book, the potato masher, a knitting project- only to find that I have left in on the Vineyard. Unless of course I’m at the Vineyard condo. In that case I have inevitably left it in New York.
But since I started coming up to the Vineyard to write a couple weeks ago I noticed something else. I noticed that when I am at our house in New York, I feel great about myself. I am strong! I am confident! I am funny! But when I’m only the Vineyard, I’ve been feeling…well…kind of old and out of shape. I hadn’t really noticed the stark contrast until today, when I caught myself spending nearly half an hour playing with my hair in the mirror, trying to get this one pice of hair to lay down and curl properly. Why did I care? I wasn’t going anywhere. My plan was to literally stay in the house all day writing.
And then it hit me. It was about the mirror. In our house in New York, due to the quirks of 1800 farm house architecture, there is a large window over our bathroom sink where the mirror should be. I have had to master blowing dry my hair without one. I really only look in the mirror (the one in Harry and Erin’s bathroom) if I’m running out the door and need to check my lipstick. But our condo on the Vineyard is lousy with mirrors! There’s a giant one in each bathroom, one over the dresser, and one at the bottom of the stairs by the front door.
The interesting thing is that as soon as I realized the power that mirrors were having over my self image that power vanished. I’ve always thought that it’s crazy for women to be so judgmental of the way they look when that is only one tiny piece of who they are. We are strong and smart and funny and kind and a million other great things, right? So what’s all the fuss about our hair looking perfect? I can promise you that my sheep couldn’t care less how my hair looks as long as I take care of them.
I have a challenge for you. I challenge you to cover up your mirrors for one week and see if you don’t feel better about yourself. I’m not suggesting you go to the office without makeup; just minimize the time you spend in front of the mirror to what is absolutely necessary. Then forget about how you look. I think you’ll find it frees up a lot of time to be the amazing person you are.
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
A similar thing happened to me not long ago. I used to pull my hair back and have every strand tucked in and “perfect”. I would often change my clothes into something suitable for the public just to run to the Mini Mart for a gallon of milk. Well, no more….I now pull my hair back and it falls out in all sorts of chaos. I have been known to wear sweats and grubby T-shirt to – everywhere. Do you know that I have gotten more compliments on my hair and general appearance than I ever did before. I think it more has to do with how I feel than how I look. Being content with one’s self is not always easy to achieve and maintain – but it feels good when you get there!!
I’ve never liked mirrors (or photos of myself, for that matter). So, when I went to a dance and music camp where I saw mirrors only rarely and usually in dim enough conditions that it was pretty hard to tell too much detail it was very strange to go home, where there were only a few mirrors, but a lot more than at camp. I had gotten used to feeling if my hair was reasonable (which it hardly is with or without a mirror) and because I was doing dishes twice a day with giant sanitizing machines I knew my face was steam-cleaned. Back in the land of mirrors I now try to avoid them or only check one thing and not stop and analyze.
My dear, wise Grandmother had a perfect saying about this very phenomenon: “If you look in a mirror long enough, you’ll see the devil.” She was so right (as usual), the more time and energy you spend critiquing yourself, the more imaginary “faults” you are likely to find.
I completely agree. I have another one. I found magazine’s to be real contentment buster. I always wanted what I saw. If it was Cottage Living, I wanted to redecorate. If it was Lucky, I needed a new purse. If it was Real Simple it was a different husband. Just kidding about the husband there. So about 5 years ago I canceled all the subscriptions and after I got family to stop sending me “free” subscriptions I was even happier. Now, don’t even get me started on big box stores.
I have stopped worrying about getting every hair perfect because I always wear a hat when I leave the house, no matter what the weather. I don’t color my hair either because having gray hair is who I am and I’m fine with that. In the end it’s who you are inside that matters most.
There’s a fantasy book called “Mirror of Her Dreams” by Stephen Donaldson where, in that world, the only mirrors are magical, like windows into other worlds, and it’s not actually possible to see a reflection of yourself. And, in that book, one of the characters is an insatiable ladies’ man, convinced that he is god’s gift to women … yet, his physical description is not that of an attractive man. But because he’s never seen what he looks like, and he’s so convinced in his absolute irresistability … he’s irresistable. (And evil, but that’s another story.)
I like that idea. It seems even more beneficial for me because I’m a teenager.
Hmmm, interesting. I would not be able to do that though, i work in a spa and we have quite a few mirrors about. Although i am the girl there who from jumping in the shower, dressing, makeup, drying hari and out the door…25 minutes! So i think i am ok with this. I go by how i feel and how my clothes fit! smile
Well, I find I have way too much to say on the topic of mirrors, photos, and self image. So instead I’ll quote The Magnetic Fields: “I don’t know if you’re beautiful, because I love you too much.”
I had a revelation about this several years ago, realizing that I had never even noticed the acne that was crippling a close friend’s self-confidence. I think it holds true for most everyone – our friends and families see us as we are, not as we look. We should try to see ourselves that way too.
I don’t have a full length mirror in the house. I always feel great about how I look. It was a huge shock recently to go clothes shopping and discover the reality in the change room, that I have ‘increased’ 2 sizes!
I’m now on an exercise plan, but still only have 2 small mirrors in the house.
Funny you should talk about this. I tend to look in the mirror only once each day – when I dry my hair and brush my teeth. I don’t wear makeup and if my hair gets mussed during the day, I really don’t care. And I work in an office, too. For me, it really is all about my abilities and not what I look like. Besides, the mirror only serves as a reminder that I am getting old…and I don’t need that.
Be Bold, Be Beautiful!!!!
Beauty starts on the inside and overflows to the outside…shine bright!
I want to add that having friends that care about how they look really affects how you feel too. Recently a friend went on and on about how she hates getting old and described in detail the signsof aging she has been seeing in herself. I went home and looked carefully at myself in the mirror and noticed that my upper eyelids are asymmetrical. It freaked me out and when I showed them to my husband, he agreed and said that one of my eyelids looked “fat”. Well, you know that that didn’t help things. For the most part though I care only enough to get cleaned and dressed.
I probably look in the mirror more than I should…but it takes longer when you’re older to get it together in the morning
I love to decorate with mirrors, I like to position them so they reflect what’s outside a window for example.
My unusual placement for them…. stairs. Yep, the stairs in the front hall going up to the bedrooms … I have mirrors on the back of each one… looks like they’re floating…and wow, the prisms in the hallway on a sunny morning are beautiful.
I really have not felt very attractive for several years. I don’t wear makeup. My wardrobe is jeans and t-shirts and sweaters. I’ve gained 15 pounds. And I have no idea where to begin to make changes to start to feel attractive. I know I’m a wonderful person on the inside. But I don’t feel “cute” on the outside. I’m 32 and I’m tired of being single and I wonder if it’s because I’m a plain-Jane or if there is another reason. I’m going to try to stop looking at myself in the mirror and ripping my body apart. Maybe that will help.
Fabulous! Thanks for the reality check.
See, Kristen, that’s exactly what I’m talking about. There are a million great things about you. You’re good at Scrabble. You’re funny. You take care of yourself. You’re honest and kind. (I’m making those up because I don’t know you, but I KNOW there are a million great things about you.) You are so much more than how you look, so why are you focusing on that one thing? STOP IT! There is nothing in the world more attractive than confidence. You need to decide that you are a catch EXACTLY AS YOU ARE. If you want to work out to feel better, that’s great. But you are valuable and worthy right now today exactly the way you are.
I totally agree. I realized about 10 years ago that when I live in a house that has a full length mirror, I realize with new disappointment every morning and evening that I’m overweight. When I live in a house without a full length mirror, I just kind of live my life thinking about how I could introduce healthier choices into my daily routine. I’m fine with the little face mirrors in the bathroom. I can easily go 3 days without ever noticing myself in one of those, but it’s the full length mirrors, which are always pointing the wrong way or inevitably bowing in the middle to some horrifying FUNHOUSE effect (or are they??) that make me think all those negative things that Sassy magazine told me not to think when I was 12.
You cover those mirrors and come visit me on your way back sometime.
I am now armed with a fondue pot and I’m not afraid to use it!
P.S. Erin- what you said! Every word!
I discovered the evilness of mirrors when I was pregnant with my oldest child. We didn’t have any full length mirrors at that time so all I saw of my ever expanding pregnant self was from the shoulders up in the bathroom mirror (which had fabulous lighting). My face was filling out nicely, got a little plump on those water retention days, but all in all I thought I was looking pretty good. Then, I got a full size look at myself in a full length mirror when I was going to my baby shower. I called my mother crying that there was no way I was going out looking the way I did – like an overstuffed eggplant in my deep purple dress I had gotten for the party so I could look nice – and how could my family have let me out of the house looking the way I did? She reminded me that I was pregnant (please keep in mind I had gained 60 pounds, and to be honest that day I did resemble a hefty blow fish) and that I would be surrounded by friends and family, and generally helped me get over myself. I went to the party, had a great time. I still avoid full length mirrors.
I don’t have a full length mirror. Except for those occasions when I dress up and want to check out how an outfit looks, I don’t miss it. I feel more beautiful not knowing how I look. I’m by no means overweight, but I don’t like looking at myself in the mirror and seeing my tummy or my thighs. Not seeing them allows me to believe in the fact that I’m beautiful! I don’t need a mirror to tell me. I also don’t have a scale. I’m happier this way, I think.