Last September I had the good fortune to sit next to a woman named Nancy Aronie at an animal communication workshop I was attending. I say good fortune because Nancy is an absolutely fabulous woman. She’s a wonderful writer and gives a very famous workshop on the Vineyard called Writing from the Heart. Everyone at the workshop we were attending had to go around the room and introduce themselves and Nancy laughed deeply and wept openly in the same sentence. She is brilliant, and brimming over with life, and, lucky for me, she is freezing all the time.
Lucky for me, because the other reason I was so fortunate to be sitting next to Nancy was that she brought a hot water bottle with her to the workshop. Turns out she takes it everywhere she goes to keep her warm. During a break in the morning session Nancy refilled her water bottle from the tea kettle. At first I thought the whole thing was kind of bizarre, but when she stuck it in between us I was instantly converted. “You’ll have to get one,” Nancy said. To which I replied, “Nancy, I am 38-years-old. I cannot start carrying a hot water bottle around with me.”
Which turned out to be totally untrue. Even as I write this I have my trusty hot water bottle by my side, keeping me toasty. Oh, I don’t carry it around with me. Not out of the house anyway. Unless I’m going up to Patrick’s parent’s house across the street. Or for a long car ride. Or to the movies. Not that we ever go to the movies, but if we did, I’d take my hot water bottle with me.
The only problem with the hot water bottle is that I can’t take it with me when I’m doing chores outside cause you have to hold it. I actually considered getting one of those baby slings to hold it in place against my chest while I’m feeding or working the livestock but it seemed kind of impractical.
The thing is, I am cold all the time. Well, not all the time. I’m warmish from May through September. But winters in the Northeast kick my ass. I hate being cold, and as a result, I dread doing all of the everyday tasks that I so enjoy doing when it’s warm.
And, if I may be frank with you, (and I think I can speak frankly with you) the worst thing in the world is when my breasts get cold. It’s beyond uncomfortable- it’s painful. And, short of taking a hot shower, I find it very, very difficult to recover from cold breasts.
Until today that is. Today, I came up with the idea for which I will become famous. Forget the whole “started the first Fiber CSA” business. If and when my obit appears in the New York Times, it will be because of the discovery I made at 2:30 p.m. on Sunday, January 4th.
And it never would have occurred to me to share this particular piece of awesome if Patrick, upon hearing the news of my miraculous invention, hadn’t groaned and said “I can’t wait the hear what the blog readers think of this!” That’s when I realized it would be wrong for me to keep this discovery to myself. As wrong as wrong can be.
I was getting ready to go out and work sheep and goats with Patrick and Erin this afternoon. “Working” livestock means trimming hooves, worming and delousing all the animals in a particular pen and it. takes. for. ever. Like hours. Outside. In the cold. As usual, I was dragging my feet and stalling because I was already cold, and I really didn’t want my boobs to get any colder or more painful. So right before I left the house, I grabbed two of those “Hot Hands” hand warmers from the kitchen drawer. You know, those little packets that you shake up to cause some kind of chemical reaction and then stick in your gloves? Only I stuck them in my bra. And it was magic, my friends.
I worked outside for two hours without getting cold. At all. I don’t think it’s overstating it to say that this may very well have changed my life.
I think ya’ll know me well enough to know that I don’t regularly talk about my breasts in public, and I truly hope I haven’t offended anyone with my immodesty, but if even one of you suffers from the distress of cold breasts and is helped by my discovery, it will all be worth it.
We happened to have bought a whole passel of hand warmers for our Solstice party, and I think they cost around $2 a dozen at Walmart. Of course it means having to step foot in Walmart- an errand I put right up there with being water boarded- but believe me my friends, it will be worth it.